LOVE THE IRISH

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

Paddy died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to
her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.

"For the love of God Colleen, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it?"

About 4 carats  

TFF Hocks

and God invented alcohol to prevent the Irish from taking over the world.

and yes I'm part Irish.

SunFan

I am 100% Irish, and it has not stopped me from trying.
It has however, stopped me from succeeding.    

The three curses of Ireland:

  The English,
  Religion, and
  THE DRINK...    

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
Somethin to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
And gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."