Funny how they words come out in English

I always encourage my students to pronounce words well as if they don't it will sound like they are saying another word or phrase. Here are some funny examples.


1. Cheese - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. Shoulder - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read
so I shoulder.

4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum - I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her
honey harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Brief - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

Now THAT was FUNNNNNNY!!! ROTFLMAO!!

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

What a bunch of comedians on this forum! It's fun, we all need a laugh.

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw shit," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

HAH! Good one!

While I was watching the CUBS this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

This must be an old one....



A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the ! guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your boobs on your back?"


"Well," says the camel, "I think that's an interesting question coming from somebody whose dick is on his face."

Custer\'s Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those! fucking Indians.'"

Subject: Newfie farmer.

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a
truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fuck would you say?'

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened..


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them ............ .. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the

other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after

life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's
more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the
next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.......... I'm a rabbit in Arizona.

Many years ago there was a story about an English to Russian translator. Put in "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak," translate to Russion then back to English and it came out, "The vodka is good but the meat is rotten."

A Layoff The Boss Had to Fire Somebody He had narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super
workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with
a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to
take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Wonderful English from Around the World

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST
RESULTS.
----------------------------------------------------------
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER
WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
--------------------------------------------------
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING
FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..

CONDOM EMERGENCY
A Condom factory burns down in the States (the largest one):
Nancy Pelosi is awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency! I've
just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to
the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will
be gone by the end of the week".

Nancy Pelosi: "Oh Damm!! The economy will never be able to cope with
all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined".

She says: "We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico"

Telephone voice says: "Bad idea.... The Mexicans will have a field
day with this one."

She says: "What about Canada"?

He says: "I'll call Stephen Harper, and tell him we need five
million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way,
they'll continue to respect us as Americans".

Three days later, a delighted Nancy Pelosi runs out to open the first
box of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived..

She finds five million condoms. 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, Just
as requested.....all coloured red and white with small writing on each
one.

'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job..'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.