Did you hear about the ( insert appropriate group )...

who broke his leg playing golf?!? He fell off the ball washer.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?" :face:

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Step Back, I Know First-Aid

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling..
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently it's Africa... :oops:

English as a second language:

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN
IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Wife asks husband:
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies:
"Only you, Darling -
with all the others I was wide awake!” :face:

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit.

So I sought my husband's advice...
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

:face: How many Perverts does it take to turn in a lightbulb??? :face:





Just One.................


But it takes the entire staff in the Emergency Ward to get it out again...









:face:

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself 'She'll be lucky with a face like that!'

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

A fat woman served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the auditor was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Excellent!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone”.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The ass hole is usually in charge !

The Missing Rooster
The priest in a small French village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.


One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'



All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'



Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
:face:

Rick and Julie are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

Rick picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Julie

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands Julie, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along Julie picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks Rick.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Julie.

Rick retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Then down he went.