Really funny and out of character post for me

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"

The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.

Apparently , "Remain calm and stay on the line " was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

I am reading a lot of Christopher Brookmyre's books lately. He writes crime fiction, but has a wicked sense of humour. The one I'm reading now is solving the murder of what were Scottish schoolmates. It describes one of the boy's first day in school, about 5 or 6 years old. He has an interesting day, to say the least, meeting lots of new people, learning lots of new things. After school his Mam picks him up, and he finds his Gran and Aunties have put together a little party celebrating his first day. "So, how was your first day ow school, wee lad !?!?" The boy replies "Fookin' Brilliant!!!!".

While funny, there are some gruesome bits too. Which combining gruesome and Scots, reminds me of that old joke. Scottish newlyweds on their honeymoon night. The new bride squeals, "Aye Jock - it's gruesome!!" Jock replies, "put your hand up me kilt, and you'll see its gruesome more!".