The laughing bride

:face:

Small Change

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Mom, I got married."

Her mother said, "Oh, that's great."

The girl said, "But, Mom, he's an Arab."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."

The girl said, "But he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Mom, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."

Her mother said, "So for 90 cents you're going to make trouble?"

:face:

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday September 30, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. :face:

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago.
She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home and kept them on the end
table.

The other day she picked up the urn
and went out to the patio. She sat down
at the patio table and poured him out
on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes
while tracing her fingers in them.
After a few minutes she started
talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher
you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her
fingers in the ashes then said,
'Herman, remember that car you
promised me? Well, I also bought
it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes
and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond
ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the
ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember
that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes.....

An 18 year old Italian girl
tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.


. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result

shows that the girl is pregnant.




Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to

know!'




The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of

their house.




A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out

of a Ferrari and enters the house.




He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your

daughter has informed me of the problem.




I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and

provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.




Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail

stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.




If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a

$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.




However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'




At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly

on the man's shoulder and tells him...





'You gonna try again.