Here's a good one

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?


The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Another hockey joke that only Canadians might understand.

Two American businessmen were visiting Montreal.

The Canadian company hosting them gave them two tickets for a Montreal Canadien's hockey game that evening.

Being new to the game, they were quite interested in the ice surface and the red and blue lines drawn there.

There were two French-Canadians sitting right behind them, listening to their conversation.

The two Americans speculated about the different colored lines on the ice, and gave their own version of what it might be.

One French-Canadian turns to the other and says: "Deese dumb American....dey know notting."

The Americans then concentrated on the "CH" symbol painted on the middle line. One speculated that it might mean that, since they were in Canada, perhaps it meant Canada Hockey...or some such thing.

The other French-Canadian turns to his friend and says: "Deese dumb Americans...dey know noting.

Dat "CH" it stands for Center Hice!

Another hockey joke that "Hockey Night in Canada" fans will appreciate.

As was customary, the announcer, Danny Galivan had a special guest to pick the three stars of the game.

This evening, it happened to be Maurice "The Rocket" Richard.

Danny asked him to pick the three stars.

"For de first etoille, I av to go wit my brudder, de pocket rocket. He play a great game...no question abot dat!"

"For the deuxieme etoille, I av to go wit the Captain of de Canadiens...Jean Belliveau. He play bot hends of the hice, and is probly da bes forchecker in de league."

"For de troisieme etoille, I av to go wit John Ferguson...de bes policeman in de league."

Gallivan comments: "That's very interesting Rocket. Now perhaps you would like to comment on the Toronto Maple Leaf players...for example Davy Keon?"

Rocket replies: "Der's no question, Keon ha play a pretty good game. He was hall over de hice."

"In fac...ad it not been for heem...we might not av loose de game tree noting!"

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.

The Clerk pulled up the file and read:

"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

Dear Sir,
A review of your health care needs has revealed certain risk factors about which you should be aware. We understand that genetic factors cannot be changed, but certain categories and/or attitudes fall firmly into the area of acquired behaviours. The following are all considered high risk categories:
* White male
* Conservative republican
* Christian
* Admitted gun owner
* Known carnivore
Based on your demographic data, we urge you to start advanced care planning no later than age 50. Please contact our office at your earliest possible convenience for your free appointment.
Very truly yours,
The Office of Advanced Care Planning

This guy and his wife were at home watching TV.

He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
Fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake!
Leave it on the porn channel!
You already know how to fish!"

sorry about the language...


Dear Diary

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

LOL.........Nice one Hocks. Ain't it the truth.

Love it! I'm headin' down on the 15th for three weeks. Had just about enough of this shit. Been nice the last couple of days though. It will be nice just long enough to get my parking lot cleaned up. And the price of my meds has skyrocketed....papers are cheaper tho.

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Alberta, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art it was.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena , marries her, and off they go on their honeymoon to Sundre . That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful & untouched breasts. She said, "You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez. "; Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at dis! Still in DA CRATE!"

The Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt really bad and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave, looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends . I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost............

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.



She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"



Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"



Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"




Maria: "No Señora . . . the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"




Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'till next week."

Can I get an AMEN?

AMEN!

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?'
' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. '
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
' Yes, she's out in the garden too '
& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor ------------
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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