Here's a good one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kjfZNnceRk

Yeah that's funny. I think it was originally aired during the Superbowl.

Bob

There were five country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,


after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..


Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.





Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and


walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs


and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. :(





Probably wasn't the same elephant..

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful
flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies
and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you,
a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ...... you should see the back of mine!!!'

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...



"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!" :face:

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7
Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, ar e there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?'


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle you friends.

The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner, 'on
the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and
Max -- on the controls.

There should be stink lines comin' off that one. Three days older'n God!

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for. The driver replied "why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

"Ah I see", said the man.

With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!".

Morris
Returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has
told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the
prognosis, Morris
asks his
wife for sex.

she agrees, so
they make
love.



About 6
hours later, the
husband
goes to his wife and says,



'Honey, you
know I now have
only 18
hours to live.



Could we
please do it one
more
time?'



Of course,
the wife agrees,
and they do
it again.



Later, as
the man gets into
bed, he
looks at his watch



and
realizes that he now has
only 8 hours
left.




He touches
his wife's
shoulder and
asks,



'Honey,
please... just one
more time
before I die.'




She says,
'Of course, Dear,'
and they
make love for the third time.




After this
session, the wife
rolls over
and falls asleep.




Morris,
however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down
to 4 more hours.




He taps his
wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I
have only 4 more hours....

Do you
think we
could...'



At this
point the wife sits
up and
says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to
get up in the morning... you don't.'

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. the young doc was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover his embarrassment
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said. . .
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
"No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .

"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
:face:

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.' :(

Stay


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Local shopping centre and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
Remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"


"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in Park?"

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means – With Idiot For Ever

Get the Job Done

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

Guard: “Now tell me where you hid the money, or you will suffer.”

Translator: “Tell him where the money is, or you will suffer.”

Prisoner: “I’ll never speak.”

Translator: “She says she won’t tell you.”

Guard, putting a gun to prisoner’s head. “Tell her I will blow her brains out if she doesn’t tell me immediately.”

Translator: “He will shoot you in the head unless you tell him now.”

Prisoner: “I buried a million dollars under the floorboards in the old woodshed.”

Translator, pauses. “She says you don’t have the guts to shoot her…”

Hunt Camp

Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday."

"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

McGregor

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye f.ck ONE goat...."

The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/airplane

Don't even get me started on stupid people at the airport. However,no brains, no headaches.

A Hockey Joke That Only A Canadian Would Appreciate

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Pit Bull.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 2 people to give up drugs forever."
"Two people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?


The Location Of The Dirt Bag.