A brief history of Canada

After listening to countless criticisms from resentful Canadians concerning my and and most Americans ignorance (indifference?) of the country to the north of the 48th parallel, I decided to do an in-depth study of their history. Although one of the youngest of the industrialized nations it does have a fascinating past. I offer here an abbreviated version.


Canada was originally discovered about 12,300 BC by one Sees Much Bison, whose comment is on record: “Holy @#%@, what a lot of ice!” In view of the fact that this was during the Wisconsin glacial stage, this was understandable. His descendents waited in Alaska until the ice receded, and then settled throughout the country.

Canada was later discovered by Leif Ericsson, John Cabot, Jacques Cartier, and a host of other adventurers. Leif and his followers settled a peninsula in Newfoundland, named after a party they were having there – variously “Vinland” (land of wine) and “L’Anse aux Meadows” (the goose in the meadows – this being based on when somebody got frisky with a young Viking maiden).

When all was said and done, however, England and France ended up with control of parts of the area that would later be called Canada. In proper historical fashion, they began fighting wars over it, resulting eventually in England getting all but two small islands.

In the course of this, the French colony of Acadia was taken over by the English, who named it Nova Scotia and threw out the settlers, among them Evangeline. They resettled in the swamps at the mouth of the Mississippi, having had enough of Canadian winters. Evangeline’s boyfriend Gabriel went in quest of her, but in vain, since someone had let slip to her that she would be execrated by generations of schoolchildren forced to memorize a long poem about her love life in dactylic hexameter. Aghast at the prospect, she fled into the swamps and was never seen again. Knowing a perfect tourist trap when they saw one, the villagers erected a statue to her and began selling the tourists photographs of the statue and food they had burnt while cooking it, covering the burnt taste with inordinate amounts of spices.

Getting back to Canada, England founded the Hudson’s Bay Company to exploit the new land. They went far and wide across the wilderness, trading miscellaneous things for beaver. This custom has continued among Canadian men and boys to this day, although usually the trade goods are replaced by dinner and a movie.

Canada’s first prime minister was John D. McDonald, who came across the country while researching new colors to use in the titles of Travis McGee novels. Finding them under British rule, he asked, “Why aren’t you independent?” “We don’t want to fight a Revolutionary War like they did in the States,” they answered. “Look,” he replied, “just tell them you’ll deal with the French Canadians and they don’t have to any more; they’ll give you independence in a heartbeat. If they balk, sweeten the deal by offering to name everything in the country, as it’s settled, after Victoria or Prince Albert.” And his wise words were proved out, and a grateful country made him their leader. The British North America Act gave to Canada all British possessions north of the U.S., effective on their finding them. Explorations thereafter found New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Manitoba, and Prince Edward Island in the 1870s, Saskatchewan and Alberta in 1905, and culminated with the rediscovery of Newfoundland in 1947.

McDonald was followed by Jacques Cartier, who did very little, but this is totally understandable in a 350-year-old man. After him came a number of short-term prime ministers, of whom the only one remembered is Borden, who advanced the Canadian dairy industry.

In the 1930s Mackenzie Phillips, nicknamed “the King” was made Prime Minister. In his days, the foreign policy of Canada underwent a major change: by the 1939 Treaty of Ogdensburg, Canada agreed to stop defining itself as “not part of Great Britain” and start using “not part of the U.S.” This was considered a signal victory for U.S.-Canadian relations, which have gone downhill ever since.

Phillips resigned in the late 1940’s, moved to the U.S. and underwent gender reassignment surgery, becoming part of a singing group. He was succeeded by Riviere St. Laurent, who was respected in Ontario for dividing Canada from the U.S. but whose policy in Quebec was very divisive, separating the Sherbrooke area and the Gaspe from the rest of the province, with Montreal taking a position directly in the middle.

Canada had always had the loup garou myths of werewolves, and St. Laurent was succeeded by John Diefenbaker, who was famous for being a were-Shar-Pei, or at least looking like one.

After him came U. “Les” Persson, who was known primarily for not being Diefenbaker. Following Phillips’ lead, on his resignation he too received gender reassignment surgery, studied engineering, and became an expert in coal-fired power plants.

Canada then turned to Garry Trudeau, on the theory that the political cartoonists are more insightful about what a country needs than its politicians anyway, so why not put them in charge. Trudeau was very well loved, and got Canada a new constitution, though its contents remain a mystery resembling the Third Prophecy of Fatima.

After Trudeau came Brian McLooney and then Jean Cretin, whose governing skills are clear from their surnames.

Canada has five political parties: the Progressive Conservatives, who are moderate liberals; the Liberals, who are moderate conservatives; the New Democrats, who are socialists and pro-gay rights; the Alliance, who feel that Jerry Falwell would be a nice man if he weren’t so liberal; and the Parti Quebecois, whose platform is not clear because they refuse to translate it into English.

sounds about right...

Very entertaining, I had no idea.

What a fascinating history! No wonder Canadians take such pride in their country.

What a charming story. I especially loved the beaver part.

There are BTW, a few other nicknames for some of our fearful leaders, however they would likely get me banned, and I'm just getting tired of that.

Only Canadians would find this lame bullshit amusing. Thaw out, iceberg brains. They should forget a twelve foot fence between the U.S. and Mexico and install a three hundred foot wall of insulation along the Canadian border along with gigantic fans blowing northward. You´ll notice we stole half of Mexico includiing the dreaded Texas but yet took Maine in a moment of weakness. The only reason people live in Canada is because thay are too dumb to buy a ticket to Rochester. This place is so cold, ice cubes are refugees to Florida.

What's the matter, mutt? Jealous? I suppose the only humor on this board belongs is found in your sarcastic bullshit?

hound dog wrote:Only Canadians would find this lame bullshit amusing. Thaw out, iceberg brains. They should forget a twelve foot fence between the U.S. and Mexico and install a three hundred foot wall of insulation along the Canadian border along with gigantic fans blowing northward. You´ll notice we stole half of Mexico includiing the dreaded Texas but yet took Maine in a moment of weakness. The only reason people live in Canada is because thay are too dumb to buy a ticket to Rochester. This place is so cold, ice cubes are refugees to Florida.

I do agree that maybe we should erect that wall and then cut off all the resources, fresh water, oil, natural gas, forestry, etc. etc. The Chinese and Indians would make better partners anyways. They pay their bills on time, have a triple A credit rating and have way better cuisine. Half of them live in Vancouver anyways so...............

CanuckBob wrote:

hound dog wrote:Only Canadians would find this lame bullshit amusing. Thaw out, iceberg brains. They should forget a twelve foot fence between the U.S. and Mexico and install a three hundred foot wall of insulation along the Canadian border along with gigantic fans blowing northward. You´ll notice we stole half of Mexico includiing the dreaded Texas but yet took Maine in a moment of weakness. The only reason people live in Canada is because thay are too dumb to buy a ticket to Rochester. This place is so cold, ice cubes are refugees to Florida.

I do agree that maybe we should erect that wall and then cut off all the resources, fresh water, oil, natural gas, forestry, etc. etc. The Chinese and Indians would make better partners anyways. They pay their bills on time, have a triple A credit rating and have way better cuisine. Half of them live in Vancouver anyways so...............

BINGO!!!!!

La tuya Dawg.

P.S. Nobody lives in Rochester.

While Rochester may not be the "Asshole of America" I'm sure you can see it from there.......Jajaja

Having spent a few of my formative years in upstate New York, I can only say that: it is a good place to be from and never return to!

CanuckBob wrote:While Rochester may not be the "Asshole of America" I'm sure you can see it from there.......Jajaja

Hell, you can drive there in less than a day. Detroit, the actual "Asshole of America".

hound dog wrote:Only Canadians would find this lame bullshit amusing. Thaw out, iceberg brains. They should forget a twelve foot fence between the U.S. and Mexico and install a three hundred foot wall of insulation along the Canadian border along with gigantic fans blowing northward. You´ll notice we stole half of Mexico includiing the dreaded Texas but yet took Maine in a moment of weakness. The only reason people live in Canada is because thay are too dumb to buy a ticket to Rochester. This place is so cold, ice cubes are refugees to Florida.

This from someone that brag's about being from Bama.

martygraw wrote:

hound dog wrote:Only Canadians would find this lame bullshit amusing. Thaw out, iceberg brains. They should forget a twelve foot fence between the U.S. and Mexico and install a three hundred foot wall of insulation along the Canadian border along with gigantic fans blowing northward. You´ll notice we stole half of Mexico includiing the dreaded Texas but yet took Maine in a moment of weakness. The only reason people live in Canada is because thay are too dumb to buy a ticket to Rochester. This place is so cold, ice cubes are refugees to Florida.

This from someone that brag's about being from Bama.

Now, just a minute, Fat Marty. Alabama may not be perfect but, despite the overwhelming abundance of Republican *ssholes, the place has a temperate climate and, this is something you may not have discerned, is the most forested state in the U.S. with the most miles of navigable rivers of any of the sorry states up there. A verdant paradise. Sure beats the hell out of riding a plastic camel in the Egyptland Amusement Park in Cairo, Illinois and calling it Sharm El Sheikh.

Dawg does not know why he even attempts to communicate with despicable Yankees.

CheenaGringo wrote:Having spent a few of my formative years in upstate New York, I can only say that: it is a good place to be from and never return to!

Actually, Neil, it seems to Dawg that a move from Buffalo to Albuquerque is something of a lateral transfer. Now, Dawg´s move from Montgomery to Santa Monica was a step up for the boy. One that might not appeal to all but that pleased young Dawg to no end.

Dawg:

Actually left Syracuse over 40 years ago and have never returned. On the positive side, there is nothing about that area, with the possible exception of deep snow, that brings me to waste my time reminiscing about!

As for moving to Albuquerque being a lateral move, that was hardly the case since they were numerous stops in between. More like a "broken field run" in football. As for Albuquerque, let's see: 5000'+ elevation, 300+ annual days of sunshine, disproportionate Hispanic population, numerous mediocre restaurants and according to an article published yesterday, "Cartel Activity Likely to Rise in New Mexico".

Sound like someplace else we all know?

[img][/img]

http://www.borderlandbeat.com/2011/11/cartel-activity-likely-to-rise-in-new.html#more

Excuse me Neil but it´s hard for me to concentrate. It seems that the Godfather has recently moved into that new fort they just built down on the lake adjacent to that other lakefront fort that was built last year by other cartel factions and it´s really hard for me to concentrate at the moment what with all the bullets flying (hopefully) overhead. A walk on the beach here at Lake Chapala is not what it used to be. I keep telling my dogs that there is a difference between rubber balls and human heads on the beach but they don´t seem to get it. What morons!

Pedro parodia wrote:After listening to countless criticisms from resentful Canadians concerning my and and most Americans ignorance (indifference?) of the country to the north of the 48th parallel, I decided to do an in-depth study of their history. Although one of the youngest of the industrialized nations it does have a fascinating past. I offer here an abbreviated version.


Canada was originally discovered about 12,300 BC by one Sees Much Bison, whose comment is on record: “Holy @#%@, what a lot of ice!” In view of the fact that this was during the Wisconsin glacial stage, this was understandable. His descendents waited in Alaska until the ice receded, and then settled throughout the country.

Canada was later discovered by Leif Ericsson, John Cabot, Jacques Cartier, and a host of other adventurers. Leif and his followers settled a peninsula in Newfoundland, named after a party they were having there – variously “Vinland” (land of wine) and “L’Anse aux Meadows” (the goose in the meadows – this being based on when somebody got frisky with a young Viking maiden).

When all was said and done, however, England and France ended up with control of parts of the area that would later be called Canada. In proper historical fashion, they began fighting wars over it, resulting eventually in England getting all but two small islands.

In the course of this, the French colony of Acadia was taken over by the English, who named it Nova Scotia and threw out the settlers, among them Evangeline. They resettled in the swamps at the mouth of the Mississippi, having had enough of Canadian winters. Evangeline’s boyfriend Gabriel went in quest of her, but in vain, since someone had let slip to her that she would be execrated by generations of schoolchildren forced to memorize a long poem about her love life in dactylic hexameter. Aghast at the prospect, she fled into the swamps and was never seen again. Knowing a perfect tourist trap when they saw one, the villagers erected a statue to her and began selling the tourists photographs of the statue and food they had burnt while cooking it, covering the burnt taste with inordinate amounts of spices.

Getting back to Canada, England founded the Hudson’s Bay Company to exploit the new land. They went far and wide across the wilderness, trading miscellaneous things for beaver. This custom has continued among Canadian men and boys to this day, although usually the trade goods are replaced by dinner and a movie.

Canada’s first prime minister was John D. McDonald, who came across the country while researching new colors to use in the titles of Travis McGee novels. Finding them under British rule, he asked, “Why aren’t you independent?” “We don’t want to fight a Revolutionary War like they did in the States,” they answered. “Look,” he replied, “just tell them you’ll deal with the French Canadians and they don’t have to any more; they’ll give you independence in a heartbeat. If they balk, sweeten the deal by offering to name everything in the country, as it’s settled, after Victoria or Prince Albert.” And his wise words were proved out, and a grateful country made him their leader. The British North America Act gave to Canada all British possessions north of the U.S., effective on their finding them. Explorations thereafter found New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Manitoba, and Prince Edward Island in the 1870s, Saskatchewan and Alberta in 1905, and culminated with the rediscovery of Newfoundland in 1947.

McDonald was followed by Jacques Cartier, who did very little, but this is totally understandable in a 350-year-old man. After him came a number of short-term prime ministers, of whom the only one remembered is Borden, who advanced the Canadian dairy industry.

In the 1930s Mackenzie Phillips, nicknamed “the King” was made Prime Minister. In his days, the foreign policy of Canada underwent a major change: by the 1939 Treaty of Ogdensburg, Canada agreed to stop defining itself as “not part of Great Britain” and start using “not part of the U.S.” This was considered a signal victory for U.S.-Canadian relations, which have gone downhill ever since.

Phillips resigned in the late 1940’s, moved to the U.S. and underwent gender reassignment surgery, becoming part of a singing group. He was succeeded by Riviere St. Laurent, who was respected in Ontario for dividing Canada from the U.S. but whose policy in Quebec was very divisive, separating the Sherbrooke area and the Gaspe from the rest of the province, with Montreal taking a position directly in the middle.

Canada had always had the loup garou myths of werewolves, and St. Laurent was succeeded by John Diefenbaker, who was famous for being a were-Shar-Pei, or at least looking like one.

After him came U. “Les” Persson, who was known primarily for not being Diefenbaker. Following Phillips’ lead, on his resignation he too received gender reassignment surgery, studied engineering, and became an expert in coal-fired power plants.

Canada then turned to Garry Trudeau, on the theory that the political cartoonists are more insightful about what a country needs than its politicians anyway, so why not put them in charge. Trudeau was very well loved, and got Canada a new constitution, though its contents remain a mystery resembling the Third Prophecy of Fatima.

After Trudeau came Brian McLooney and then Jean Cretin, whose governing skills are clear from their surnames.

Canada has five political parties: the Progressive Conservatives, who are moderate liberals; the Liberals, who are moderate conservatives; the New Democrats, who are socialists and pro-gay rights; the Alliance, who feel that Jerry Falwell would be a nice man if he weren’t so liberal; and the Parti Quebecois, whose platform is not clear because they refuse to translate it into English.

Nice post Pedro parodia! So who are you? I've been racking my bean trying to figure it out and remembered the following post on TOB last year. I'd call it a classic, very much like yours, eh?

#1 ezpz
Member


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315 posts
Posted 12 December 2010 - 03:06 PM

The Legend of the Kwaytays And How They Came To Be

Once upon a time there was a village on a lake in the beautiful mountains of a faraway country that had really great weather all the time. The people fished, grew crops, raised families, and were peaceful and happy and spent a lot of time thanking their gods for their good life.

They had a very wise leader named Mixitupalot who had a strong talent for prophetic dreams. One night, Mix had a crystal clear vision of a group of light-skinned, strange invaders who would come to take over their land and change them forever. The second part of the vision revealed the peaceful Mixit people repelling these strangers, not with bloodshed, but sheer annoyance, by preventing the invaders from communing with their gods in their strange ways, hoping that they would finally just leave.

It came to pass that in the very lifetime of Mixitupalot, invaders did arrive, and his prophecy was manifested in reality. Called an unprintable name by the Mixits, we will call them the Early Invaders, because the Later Invaders had not yet arrived to completely fulfill Mix’s prophecy.

Mixitupalot told his people that they could repel these ugly strangers by making as much noise as possible. His people were inspired and energized by building much larger drums and other noisy instruments, and having much longer and louder rituals which had previously been used to repel evil spirits, and lions and tigers and bears as well, evidently a successful strategy.

However, the Early Invaders did not quite respond as expected. They were fascinated by the use of all the drums, but desired to change it to a ritual that would suit themselves better. Being a conquering but conniving type, they showed the Mixit people a powder of wonderful properties which could be made to explode in the sky with much noise and bright flashes of light, while propelling the peoples’ prayers to their gods.

The Mixits were even more fascinated by this wondrous powder, and so its use began a strange hybrid of the customs of both groups of people resulting in a new form of worship that propelled the prayers of the people to their god, and was mostly agreeable to both, and a lot of fun, to boot. The miracle powder was used in a form that came to be known as Kwaytays.

Centuries went by in the lovely fishing village with many noisy and fun fiestas, until gradually, a new type of Invaders began to arrive. With the vision of Mixitupalot firmly entrenched in the DNA of his descendents and the lore handed down from the elders, his people remembered what was happening and what they had to do.

The Later Invaders were not hostile or warlike, but rather, very annoying in some of their customs, such as their elders parading around town flashing their flesh as if they were perpetual teenagers, a propensity to quick anger and complaining about small things, and a general characteristic pomposity. Therefore, annoyance seemed to be the best way to get rid of them.

The second part of Mixitupalot’s dream became more clear as his descendants actually sometimes witnessed the strange worship of the Later Invaders, which strangely occurred not in public rituals, but in their houses. These people had strange devices that allowed them to connect to their main god, Jaytec, and his daughter, Teleheroina, and her brother, the lesser, but still great god, Gugul. They devoutly spent hours a day worshipping this trinity, but perfect quiet and concentration were required – a somber discipline.

The Descendants of Mix were inspired by the prophecy to make their own worship rituals even louder and frequent, hoping that their exuberance would interfere with the connection of the Later Invaders to their own gods, and hopefully, they would Just Leave out of frustration.

Neither group wanted all-out warfare, so a certain subtle friction ensued between the Mixits and the Later Invaders. The Descendents of Mixitupalot loved their traditions too much to change, and the Later Invaders loved the weather too much to leave.

So, a certain uneasy truce evolved, and both groups lived happily ever after. Well, sort of.

Epilogue:

In modern times it came to pass that some of the Descendents of Mixitupalot traveled to the original country of the Later Invaders. Slightly familiar with their culture and ways, the Mixit people were then able to see the Invaders in the context of their own strange culture.

Upon seeing the incomprehensibly drab houses that the Invaders lived in, the Mixs wondered aloud, Why don’t these people paint their houses in pretty colors like orange and turquoise and pink and purple, like back home?

Upon seeing the unhappy, demanding, and hyperactive children of these people, the Mixs wondered why they forced their poor children to worship those indoor gods all day, and not let them out to run around and play and have fun like normal children.

Upon experiencing the insanely fast and hectic pace of life there, especially around Christmas, a holy time around the world, the Mixs wondered why these people didn’t just slow down and enjoy life and the company of each other.

The Descendents of Mix also wondered why the Invaders couldn’t just manage to sing and play some cheerful music and dance – just once in a while? With all their apparent riches, these people just never seemed very happy.

But most of all, The Descendents of Mixitupalot wondered why these Later Invader people simply didn’t celebrate more. In their cheerless culture, these poor people only had two days a year where they used anything resembling Kwaytays to bring joy to the people.

What kind of people would live like this?

Q. Whats the only good thing to come out of Alabama?
A. Interstate 20

Ahh! Alabama, 4,708,708 people, 4 last names.

Where your mother is also your sister......jajaja

martygraw wrote:Ahh! Alabama, 4,708,708 people, 4 last names.

I must say, Fat Marty, that that was pretty amusing. I also liked the Interstate 20 joke but, being an Alabamian, I have not figured out how to quote more than one imbecile at a time. I was going to procreate with my sister but, despite the fact that we had a lot of fun, we were clearly using the wrong hole.

hound dog wrote: I was going to procreate with my sister but, despite the fact that we had a lot of fun, we were clearly using the wrong hole.

Eeeeewh..........Bad Dawg bad.

Bad dawg! No biscuit!