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Two ladies in heaven

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Post by kipissippi on Tue Apr 06, 2010 2:31 am

Subject: FW: Two Ladies in Heaven


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death..

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
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Post by lunateak on Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:40 am

Hey! What are friends for???
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Post by hockables on Sat Apr 10, 2010 7:11 pm

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'??

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'?? bounce


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'


He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' bounce

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again.. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.' bounce

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fuckin' starving!

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sat Apr 10, 2010 7:40 pm

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches..
2. There are no dental records.
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Post by hockables on Sun Apr 11, 2010 5:10 pm

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilley were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, couldn't quite reach that far!
:face:

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:31 pm

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Very Happy
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Post by hockables on Thu Apr 15, 2010 12:27 pm

Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.



The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,


checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.



'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.



She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.




'You don't have any milk.'




I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,


but I'm glad I came.'

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Post by hockables on Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:35 pm

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...
so we're just waiting.
Sleep

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:25 am

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary! '

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? '

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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Post by hockables on Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:30 pm

Ladies,

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.



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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:53 pm

3 nuns were being transfered to a different convent, the priest knew they were all virgins and wanted to have sex with them. He convinced them all to do the deed. As the bus was leaving the convent it went out of control and crashed down a steep hill, all passangers died.

At the pearly gates St.Peter said to the 3 nuns, confess to your sins and you may enter heaven. The first nun said that she gave a priest a hand job, St.Peter said wash your hands in holy water say 3 hail Marys and you may enter heaven. All of a sudden, the 3rd nun taps the 2nd nun and asks if she could go next. The 2nd nun said go ahead but why? The 3rd nun said that she wanted to gargle first before the 2nd nun washed her ass in the holy water.
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