Through the eyes of another

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: --- "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because :
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

An elderly couple was sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs. The wife gets up and slaps the husband, knocking him off the chair.

"What the hell was that about?" he demanded.

"That was for 53 years of bad sex!"

The old mad sat back in the chair and rocked for a few minutes, scowl on his face. He rose and slapped the old woman, knocking her out of the chair.

"Why'd you do that?" She asked.

"That's for knowing the difference."