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Post by sparks on Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:26 pm



Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Dawn my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Dawn called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

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Post by Parker on Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:54 am

sparks wrote:

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Dawn my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Dawn called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.


One must never assume. HaHaHa!!! Very Happy

Parker
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Post by hockables on Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:18 pm

A Jack Daniel's Fishing Story:

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw
a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the
frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my
bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I
released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

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Post by Parker on Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:50 pm

Mathematics: This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
But what makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there!

It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why

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Post by ferret on Tue Sep 20, 2011 1:25 pm

ROFLMAO again! I've seen it before and it was just as funny the second time around.

Now ya know why I won't put up with either bullshit or ass kissing.
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Post by hockables on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:21 pm

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

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Post by hockables on Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:41 pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' Shocked


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