A coupla jokes

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on the interstate about 2 miles from the State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a pickup truck pulled in behind the patrol car. The driver got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”


Computer virus's

The George Bush virus...causes your computer to keep looking for virusues of mass destruction.
The John Kerry virus.....Stores data on both sides of the disk and little purple hearts appear on screen.
The Clinton virus.....Gives you a permanent hard drive with no memory.
The Al Gore virus....Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole virus.....Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer,then emails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.....Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey virus....Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres virus......Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac virus.....Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Michael Jackson virus....Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobitt virus....Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy....then discards it through windows.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Final examination for the Sensitivity Course for Men taught by the Humor Group
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1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
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2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
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3. You always time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
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4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
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5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
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6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
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7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
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8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
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9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
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Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!