The last one may need some thought but #1-17 are great

Few good ones!


Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film rating said 18 or over."


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today,
she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead
and realised she was just on standby.


When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Bugger that" says Mick, "have  you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

DaveP thank you I needed a laugh! Much appreciated.