Mrs. Brown's Books

They told me you always put one of these bibble-bibble-whatsits at the end of a book. They said: ‘Make a list of all the texts you consulted while you were writing yours, Mrs Brown.’ Well, it’s a bit late for that now. I’ve finished. I mean, I looked in my address book a few times. I remember checking a couple of spellings with the Yellow Pages. And I definitely polished off a couple of Puzzlers. But otherwise, how the feck should I remember?

So, just to make sure I haven’t missed anything, here’s a list of all the books on my shelves. They’re mainly romantic novels, but what’s wrong with that? We can’t all be literary. I’ve never read anything by Harry Potter, and I don’t suppose I ever will. But I know what I like, and that’s a bit of fantasy. (And by that, I mean a big strong man sweeping a girl off her feet, not a list of feckin’ dragons and a map of an unpronounceable place that would wipe the floor in Scrabble.) If you’ve spent all day tied to the sink in rubber gloves, you want a bit of good, honest escapism. And these do the job just grand.
• A Convenient Millionaire – Leonardella Grey
• They Couldn’t Tame the Postmistress – Jennifer Kettle
• Wheelbarrow of Love – Penny Hamn
• The Enormous Husband – Meg Trowell
• Betty, Savage Empress of the Plains – Satsuma Dennis
• A Devil on the Top Deck – Nanette Roast
• Midnight Welshman – Susan Wind
• A Powerful Hairdresser – Primula Cobb
• Unexpected Heart In Bagging Area – Hilda Wellish
• The Notorious Honeymoon – Sarah Flan
• Bernard: Man of Destiny – Rita Kojak
• The Corduroy Phantom – Nerys Bunk
• The Officer and the Doctor and the Forbidden Bride to Remember – Nester Champion
• He Stole her Slippers – C. R. Shelf
• Yesterday’s Plumber – Angela Sister
• Malcolmio: Romany Tycoon – Louise O’Botillioni
• The Reluctant Headmaster – Camilla Fletch
• Love Robot 2-X – J. T. T. ‘Prof’ Benz
• Reining the Duty Manager – Lin Jars
• Princess Pam – Isabelle Wall
• The Captain’s Cough – P. Harriet Wealth
• Mask of the Forbidden Bassoonist – Karen Plant
• He Never Fixed the Fridge – Lindana Ragu
• Lord Fondlebottom’s Secret – Helen Dish
• A Cowboy for Christmas – Val Weather
• The All-Night Garage Grille Cannot Sunder Us – Tina Nimmo
• A Whisper in her Stockings – Justine Radish
• The Enchanted Handyman – Olivia Lunch
• Cinderella’s Substance – Margaret Shoes
• The Hellion and the Fishmonger – Pat Winsome
• Part-Time Gypsy – Daniella Wainscotting
• Lovestruck in the Loft – Hope Grain
• The Highwayman’s Code – H. M. S. Office
• The Tender Tea Lady – Henrietta Cruttsniff
• Three Times a Bailiff – Jean Chairs
• Bathroom Of Destiny – Bev Plank
• The Unwilling Sewage Worker – Diane Yessing
• Surrender To My Arms, Miriam – Trina St Frutiger
• Your Heart, Milady – Dr G. P. Edgebaston
• The Secret Man – Ann Lady
• An Unexpected Fist – Fiona Hapless
• A Kiss by the Sluice – Wendy Gist
• The Princess and the Pizza – Felicity Tunnel
• Beekeepers by Night – Lydia Hand
• From Roy With Love – Stephanie Muller-Rice
• The Scent of Aeroplane Glue – Clive Bunk
• Mistletoe Chiropodist – Maz Pots
• The Forbidden Potato Man – Joanna Napkin
• Shed of Pleasure – Kim Louvre
• The Impatient Surgeon – Barbara Barham Abraham
• Dormobile of Destiny – Chris Thumb
• Runaway Binman – Bev Toucan
• Moonlit Subcommittee – Ingrid Kohlrabi
• Who Can Deny the Dentist? – Ursula Cloybeam
• Slave to the Tea Trolley – Alison Dosshouse
• The Duffle Coat Lies Untoggled – Carla Tea
• Supply Teachers Don’t Care – Kirsty Gunwale
• An Uninvited Tramp – Fran Head
• Buccaneer of the Laundromat – Holly Modem
A Kiss from the Returning Officer – Peggy Saucer
• Love’s Policeman – Ryvita Olaf
• A Perfect Clown – Pippa Earworm
• Love in the Shoe Bins – T. D. Stadt
• Forever, Graham – Lilette Dust
• The Wonderful Rotarian – Julie Hand
• Unchain the Nightwatchman – Molly Jeep
• The Jumble Sale Texan – Rosemary Pith
• The Milkman Prince – Maureen Owls
• Re-heeled with Love – P. F. Lap
• Chain Ferry of Hearts – Eleanor Vange
• You Will Meet a Tall, Dark Lollipop-man – Gilda Chips
• The Undermanager’s Revenge – Ribena House
• Janet and the Alderman – Janet Alderman