What's Important to Men?

*I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

Harold is 95 and lives in a Old Folks Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?”

“Sex!!” he replies.

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Old Folks Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?”

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson's.”