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Post by Lehrer on Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:03 am

Well, what do drill sergeants know??

They can't tell $h1t from Shinola, as the saying goes.

lol!

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Post by hockables on Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:03 pm

Fisherman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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Post by hockables on Mon Nov 22, 2010 10:19 am

The Newfie Has A Hot Date

A Newfie goes to a drug store
and says to the pharmacist:
"I got a hot date tonight, and
I need me some pertection.
How much is a pack of
them rubbers gonna cost me?"




The pharmacist responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is
$4.99 with tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked Newfie
says. "Gawd all mighty, don’t
they stay on by themselves?"



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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:30 pm

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. “What’s your Unique Breakfast?” he asked inquisitively. “Baked tongue of chicken!” she proudly replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?” “Just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

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Post by hockables on Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:35 am

Are you a Liberal, a Conservative, or an Albertan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?



Liberal�s Answer:
• Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away?
• What does my wife think?
• What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
• What does the law say about this situation?
• Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
• Should I call 9-1-1?
• Why is this street so deserted?
• We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
• Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
• I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
• This is all so confusing!










..........................................
Conservative's Answer:

BANG!


......................................













Albertan�s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You're not taking that to the Taxidermist!'

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Post by hockables on Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:40 am

Very Happy

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Post by hockables on Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:04 pm

Achmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and with his head in the bucket he breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick!

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sat Feb 26, 2011 1:23 pm

A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on 33 counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.

Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, “I didn’t mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I’ve imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don’t have to serve the whole time.” The prisoner beamed with new found hope until the judge leaned toward him and said, “Just do a much as you can.”

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Post by hockables on Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:14 pm


Point of view - Page 3 Sign_s11

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:02 am

Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American: "We have problem in India . We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."

The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems?"
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Post by hockables on Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:40 am

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:19 pm

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's details,' or putting it another way, "Who's your baby's Daddy?"


These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.


2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...


4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.


8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.



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Post by hockables on Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:21 am

Better than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned
With tea and
scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. Very Happy


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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:33 am

A dog named Sniffer

A man had just settled into his window seat on the plane when a 2nd man sat down beside him with a black Labrador Retriever

The 1st man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The 2nd man said, he was from the Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a 'sniffing dog' named Sniffer. 'I'll show you once we get airborne.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer walked along the aisle, and finally sat next to a woman for several seconds. & returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and told the man, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I noted her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the 1st man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search. The Lab sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I noted his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said the 1st man. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles then sat down for a moment, and then came racing back, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The 1st man couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

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