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Post by hockables on Wed May 26, 2010 3:28 pm

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut.

"Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

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Post by hockables on Thu May 27, 2010 6:12 pm

An American tourist asks a
Newfoundlander:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?" scratch
To which the Newfoundlander
Replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
Fuckin boat." Rolling Eyes

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Fri May 28, 2010 6:50 am

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the backseat as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph..

(Remember, the Pope is a German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the floor until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, then goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop..

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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Post by hockables on Fri May 28, 2010 12:10 pm

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER Very Happy


A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Damn thing's an hour fast!'
________________________________________

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Fri May 28, 2010 10:31 pm

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them ............ .. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
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Post by hockables on Sat May 29, 2010 4:09 pm

IT’S TAX TIME – Occupation???
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
>
> The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, SIN, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
>
> "I'm a whore," she says.
>
> The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
>
> The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
>
> "No, that still won't work. Try again."
>
> They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
>
> The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
>
> "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
>
> "Chicken Farmer it is."

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Post by hockables on Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:22 pm

:face:


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Post by hockables on Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:15 pm

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Sleep

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:13 am

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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Post by hockables on Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:37 pm

Tree Front
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.
When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger.
It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got
383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question.
This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!
One more test.
They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again.

This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar,
242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there.
I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.
He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,
"Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?."

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Post by hockables on Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:17 pm

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
:face:

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Post by CanuckBob on Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:04 am

What....did they all look a like??????

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:22 am

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat
everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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Post by hockables on Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:16 pm

Hairspray

There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play.

The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of."

The little boy thought it would be easy enough, so he tried. After awhile, the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmother's hair spray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole.

The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars."

The next day, the little boy was playing again, and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?"

The grandfather said, "Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:53 pm

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, the doctor asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
"Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive."
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Post by hockables on Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:44 pm

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?"

After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and c! an I have a bicycle? Leroy

Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions.

Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?"

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Post by hockables on Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:50 am



At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!" :face:

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:25 pm

One day the doctor had to be the bearer of bad
news when he told the wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, he heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
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Post by Walter on Thu Sep 02, 2010 3:43 pm

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a ....... Chihuahua?!"
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Post by hockables on Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:43 pm

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.


Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.


The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.


A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."


Love,
Grandma

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Post by hockables on Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:15 pm

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lowerintestine.



In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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Post by hockables on Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:41 pm

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas

No television

No nude women

No football

No pork chops

No hot dogs

No burgers

No beer

No bacon

Rags for clothes

Towels for hats

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

More than one wife

More than one mother in law

You can't shave

Your wife can't shave

You can't wash off the smell of donkey

You wipe your arse with your hand

You cook over burning camel shit

Your wife is picked by someone else

Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

:(

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Post by CanuckBob on Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:58 pm

But can they watch hockey..........?????
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Post by Lehrer on Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:46 pm

You know, Bob, when I was growing up in West Texas folks said they needed to "hockey" when they felt a Number 2 coming on!!!

lol! lol! lol!
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Post by CanuckBob on Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:52 pm

Well the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket said there were only two things that came from Texas....steers and queers. So I have to wonder which ones were saying that?????

scratch
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Post by Lehrer on Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:03 am

Well, what do drill sergeants know??

They can't tell $h1t from Shinola, as the saying goes.

lol!
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