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Post by kipissippi on Wed Apr 07, 2010 10:24 pm

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> > THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> > FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> >
> > SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
> > BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> >
> > UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
> > BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
> >
> > THEN, THAT UGLY,
> >
> > OLD,
> >
> > BALD,
> >
> > WRINKLED,
> >
> > FAT A**,
> >
> > GRAY-HAIRED,
> >
> > DECREPIT
> >
> > SON-OF-A-B**** ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???
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Post by hockables on Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:20 pm

Step Back, I Know First-Aid

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

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Post by hockables on Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:10 pm

Slow Down

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen h! ouse, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."

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Post by cane on Thu Apr 15, 2010 4:11 pm

Bald Eagles just love "Randy Roosters" laying there with their eyes closed.

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Post by hockables on Thu Apr 15, 2010 5:15 pm

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove upover the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly..

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

Shocked

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Post by hockables on Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:32 pm

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."


"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.


"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:50 am

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
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Post by hockables on Thu Apr 22, 2010 12:08 pm

:oops:



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Post by hockables on Mon Apr 26, 2010 12:33 pm

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
Very Happy

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Post by hockables on Tue Apr 27, 2010 2:17 pm

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Sat May 01, 2010 3:06 pm

A woman buys a wall mirror from the DIY Supermarket, manager says 'Would you like a screw for that mirror?' She grinned ' No . . . but I'd suck your c**k for a lawn mower'.
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Post by hockables on Tue May 04, 2010 3:19 pm

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.........

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

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Post by hockables on Tue May 04, 2010 3:38 pm

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

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Post by hockables on Fri May 07, 2010 3:42 pm

Wife asks husband:
"How many women have you slept with?" Evil or Very Mad

Husband proudly replies:
"Only you, Darling - with all the others I was wide awake!” Twisted Evil

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Post by hockables on Sat May 08, 2010 5:59 pm

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

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Post by hockables on Mon May 10, 2010 2:10 pm

High Tech Milking Machine

Terry ordered a high-tech milking machine. He decided to test it on himself . So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, Terry decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons." :oops:

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Post by CanuckBob on Mon May 10, 2010 7:11 pm

I hate when that happens.......... Point of view 374777
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Post by hockables on Fri May 14, 2010 12:31 pm

The Newfie Millionaire.

Jarge, from Newfoundland ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars. cheers

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant,
The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
You've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" bounce

"Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? scratch

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, scratch

''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook."

Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple...... 👽
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" Suspect

"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure." 👽

Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Yes it is, Buy"

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!" cheers

The next night,
Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Charlie ole cock? cheers
How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!" Rolling Eyes

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Post by espíritu del lago on Sat May 15, 2010 1:15 pm

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think ...

I gave him my airplane glue..’ Point of view 501432
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Post by espíritu del lago on Sat May 15, 2010 1:17 pm

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! Point of view Icon_cheers
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Post by hockables on Sat May 15, 2010 4:14 pm

XXX

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child.
She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!"
I casually replied,
"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Thu May 20, 2010 9:09 am

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
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Post by hockables on Mon May 24, 2010 2:39 pm

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the
guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." Shocked

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Post by arturo cuatro ojos on Wed May 26, 2010 9:41 am

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa:


"The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!!!"
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Post by hockables on Wed May 26, 2010 3:28 pm

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut.

"Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

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