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Bad Day

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Post by hockables on Sat Jan 03, 2015 9:41 pm

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off,
so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to
break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks
from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone
was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer
to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands
and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her. Beer


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Post by hockables on Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:17 pm

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

​The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.

This was followed by a few minutes of assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them.

He then said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid." Bad Day 850219



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Post by gringal on Wed Feb 25, 2015 9:05 am

A really good one. Almost a coffee-on-keyboard one! cheers

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Post by hockables on Thu Jul 02, 2015 4:41 pm



A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. Beer



"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.



"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"



Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,



"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"



"Yeah. But today is the last day!" Smokealot

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Post by Jim W on Thu Jul 02, 2015 4:47 pm

drunk PERFECT!
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Post by hockables on Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:25 am



A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." Beer





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Post by hockables on Thu Jul 09, 2015 6:30 pm

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before.

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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