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Post by Pescador on Sun May 11, 2014 9:43 pm

If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take for a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?  Basta 

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Post by texunsam on Tue May 13, 2014 8:26 pm

Three weeks who cares

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Post by hockables on Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:07 am

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70+ years old, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit." Rolling Eyes

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Post by hockables on Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:11 pm

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum”. Beer

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Post by CHILLIN on Sat Sep 27, 2014 4:41 pm

Pescador likes off the wall humor. This is an interesting view of Mitch Hedberg's unique style, and his best joke ever.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mitch-hedberg-hippie-martian-zen-genius
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Post by hockables on Sat Oct 11, 2014 5:49 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

Beer


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Post by Jim W on Sat Oct 11, 2014 7:04 pm

Hocks, You are spending tooooo much time on "JOKE" Boards. Beer Beer Beer
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Post by hockables on Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:05 pm









In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut),
people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit 's and Chicago 's inner city residents said that
they have enjoyed sex in the shower.



The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.   Blackeye

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Post by hockables on Tue Oct 28, 2014 12:21 pm

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat." Beer


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Post by hockables on Fri Dec 26, 2014 9:46 am

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Ukrainian sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Ukrainian?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

"Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

"Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

"Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Because I asked for Ukrainian sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Ukrainian?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot..." Beer

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